Monday, April 20, 2009

Amended rules for dating a geek male

What follows is my rebuttal as a geek to these so-called “man” rules. It can be argued that not all men are equal, and I’m here to make that case. Feel free to pass this along to any woman unfortunate enough to be dating a geek. It might help them to better understand our fragile species.

The (Geek) Man Rules
At last a geek has taken the time to write this all down. (Actually, some guy wrote it down and a geek amended it. Geek Law #1 – work smart, not hard)

Finally, the geek’s side of the story.

We always hear
"the rules" From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the geek side.

These are our rules!
Please note -- these are not all numbered "1" anymore. That’s just silly. All of the rules are silly, arbitrary and irritating, and God help you if you break them.

1. Men are NOT mind readers. But we like to think we are detectives, like Batman.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Of course, peeing with the seat down is like a fun marksmanship challenge that not every man can pass, so if you don’t want to sit on a wet seat then you should probably just leave the matter alone.

2. Gadgets and video games: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3. Crying is blackmail. (this one really doesn’t need any revision)

4. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

And if you say it with the promise of candy or nachos afterward, compliance is almost universally guaranteed.

5. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. If you don’t want an overly lengthy explanation of our answer that may or may not involve Star Wars references, then leave it be.

6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. Unless your computer/digital camera/cellphone died, then we are fully ready to give sympathy, after we ridicule you for doing something stupid to break it in the first place.

7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. This clause is includes the voiding of any comment said within 6 hours, if said whilst playing a video game or working on a computer.

8. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Most geeks are realists. We have trouble doing anything except for calling it like we see it. We are nicer than most “manly men,” but bald-faced honesty is both our biggest asset and our greatest fault.

9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. Unless you tried to outsmart us on a subject we clearly have superior knowledge on. Then you were just asking for it.

10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. If you want it done correctly, then leave us a to-do list.

11. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials, between deathmatch rounds, at the loading screen, or during boot-up.

12. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. We have Google Maps and GPS. Don’t tell us we’re lost.

13. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not
Acolor. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. However a select few of us do recognize Pantone color values. Learn it, love it, live it.

14. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. If it has blue LEDs, we will buy it. Possibly also while scratching.

15. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. Also, we’re willing to put down whatever it is we’re doing if something really IS wrong, but you had better make it clear before we pick up the controller/mouse/stylus/camera.

16. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Again, we are realists. You asked for it.

17. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…really. You should also expect to have to make sure we are presentable, because most of us would wear an X-Men t-shirt to a wedding if we didn’t have a wardrobe check before leaving.

18. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as video games, new gadgets we “need” to buy, computer/Internet jokes, or pornography.

19. You have enough clothes. They’re taking up the space where we hang the aforementioned X-Men t-shirts.

20. You have too many shoes. Those are taking up the space where we stash old hardware.

21. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Do not challenge a geek on his weight. You risk dire consequences.

22. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know geeks really don't mind that? We can play video games later into the night.

Pass this to as many geeks as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women saddled with geek boyfriends as you can -- to give them a bigger laugh.